Saturday

What to answer..


Fun things to answer when a help desk asks the answer to the secret question on your account.

1) I already answered it when I signed up.

2) No idea. I'm trying to hack the account and I need the answer to the secret question so that I can change the password.

3) For security reasons and the safety of my account, I cannot tell you.

4) What do you need to know that for?

5) Oh the nerve! Next thing I know you'll be asking for my bank account number.

6) I'm trying to change my password, I'm not applying for a job at the secret service. Sheesh.

7) If I knew the answer, I wouldn't have contacted you.

8) I don't think I have an account with you, and if I do, it really shouldn't be such a big secret.

9) Curiosity killed the cat.

10) The answer my friend, is blowing in the wind...

Message for my entrecard droppers

Hey I haven't abandoned this godforsaken place, I've been extremely busy with work,  and no days off for a while. The half hour I spend dropping cards is a half hour I can sleep, haven't got even 6 hours sleep since the end of June when things got crazy busy. I expect work to return back to normal by the end of July and will be back to dropping daily then :)

The best one yet



I skipped this one, admitting defeat.

Monday

You gotta love 'em

Seen today..



I added WTF as a second word and it let me through, imagine that! I'll always wonder now... WTF was it really??

Sunday

Captchas for clairvoyant people

Seen yesterday at the site where I sign in every day. This screen shot is not modified.

Monday

This just gets better and better


this is a true screen shot, I didn't alter it.
Just stand on your head I guess.. 

Wednesday

The captchas monster strikes again

.. I just saw this one a few minutes ago



Don't worry about being human, you now need to be superhuman.

Monday

Another Genius

Email: (see if this one bites)

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am sorry to encroach into your privacy in this manner, I found your
listed in the Trade Centre Chambers of Commerce directory here in Japan, I
find it pleasurable to offer you my partnership in business of $40 Million
United States Dollars , I only pray at this time that your address is
still valid. I want to this solicit your attention to receive this  money
on my behalf. The purpose of my contacting you is because my status would
not permit me to do this alone. When you reply this message, I will send
you the full details and more information about myself and the funds.If
interested, please reply through my alternate Email

My reply:

Great, thanks for thinking of me. I've never met anyone from Japan. Do you guys have chipmunks over there?
I had to look up the word encroach, it sounds a bit sinful, especially with "into your privacy" right behind it, you know? It means "infringe upon", maybe we should start talking about copyright encroachment instead of infringement, it sounds much more exotic.
I didn't know I was listed in the Trade Centre Chambers of Commerce directory in Japan, how cool is that! Should I write a little bio to go with my listing?
Pray no more, your prayers have been heard, my address is still valid and I feel deeply honoured that you want to become my partner. Is that just a business partnership, or did you have something else in mind?
That's a lot of money.. 40 milliom dollars, but why do you want me to reply through your alternate email? You're not guilty of email spoofing, are you? Naww, only scammers do that.
I look forward to hearing from you and to get my hands on some of that 40 million dollars. Please reply through my alternate email which is ThouShaltNotScam@YoureSuchAnIdiot.com

Friday

Did you want mayo with that spam?

Sorry I haven't posted in a while, been very busy with work as well as the outdoors.

As I get many emails for work, I try to spice up my email sessions by replying to scam and spam mails. What? You'll ask if I'm crazy, it only generates more mails. Yes it probably does, but the delete button is my friend. It's no big deal.
I wanted so share some of my replies here.  I haven't received any replies back so far. Darn. Some people can't take a joke I guess :)


First mail:

"Compliments of the day to you,
May the blessing of God be upon you and grant you the wisdom and sympathy to understand my situation and how much I need your help."
.. she then goes on to say how her dad passed away and left her 4.5 million dollars. She needs my help transferring it to a different account and of course, I am promised a nice cut.

My reply:

Hi there,
Thanks for thinking of me, but in fact, I am quite well-to-do and wouldn't know what to do with the money. I have so much already it's falling out of my pockets when I walk down the street. If I were you though, I'd remove God's blessing from that mail, it really does not befit a scam mail. I wouldn't want to be you, standing in front of those pearly gates some day and having to explain why I dragged God into a scam mail. 
Have a wonderful day!


Second mail:

Title: No more dreams about Rolex. Get it for as low as $ 250!. Wow! 
Content: No other shop offers that low prices for copies of branded watches.. Copies of Swiss watches are offered here for less than 300 dollars.

My reply:

Hey thanks for the mail, not sure who sold you my email, but that's unimportant in the grand scheme of things.
I don't think that mail was meant for me anyways, because I never dream about Rolex. If I do, I don't remember it. I don't have a watch, I'm allergic to metals and it just gives me a rash. Maybe send the mail to someone else? If I had 300 dollars I'd just blow it at the casino.
Have a great day and watch whom you mail - pun intended.


3rd email:

Title: Our on-line pharmacy is the right place to shop
Content: A whole list of viagra and the likes along with the prices.

My reply:
Do you sell aspirin? I don't need or want any. Just asking...


4th mail:

I didn't reply to this, but it is funny. From a spam mail:

If u are seller pls don't contact me, if u don't buy from me pls don't contact me . 
I very hate do spam or rip and i don't want who spam me..







Sunday

The security of your account is (un)important to us

A heart-warming story - not :)

I use a service -which shall remain unnamed- to send and receive money on line. Once upon a time, I received an email that seemed to be sent by this service, asking me to click a link in the mail and verify my information (read: password).
Of course I'm not as stupid as I look (or maybe I don't look as stupid as I am, still got to figure that one out), but if you click that link, you are sent to a page on which you are asked for your password. The person on the receiving end can then use your password and help themselves to your money.
The service I use has an email where you can forward suspicious looking mails. I forwarded the mail.
Within seconds I received a reply. Yes. Seconds.
In the reply I was  thanked for forwarding this suspicious email. They then confirmed that it was a phishing attempt. I was assured that the security of my account is important to them.
After giving this some consideration, I realised that all I really got was an auto-reply. Nobody had looked at the forwarded mail. Curiosity got the better of me. Was their system programmed maybe to detect certain keywords in a mail, thus recognising it as a phishing attempt? Only one way to test and find out for sure. I hadn't emptied my spam folder yet and found a generous offer for viagra at a low price. Perfect, exactly what I was looking for.
I forwarded the offer for viagra to the same place I had forwarded the scam mail to. The reply came within seconds.. thank you so much for forwarding this suspicious looking mail. It is a phishing attempt, blah blah.. The security of your account is important to us, blah blah..

Saturday

Copyright Violation

Hi,
I would like to report this blog for copyright violations.
http://cycling4oldies.blogspot.com
Adam


Hi Adam,
Nice website! May I ask what a copyright violation is?
I've never heard of such thing. Is it edible? Sounds exotic!
Cheers and happy riding!
Robby


Robby,
Are you joking? Copyright is when someone takes something that belongs to someone else and then posts it on the internet. I know, because I just learned about it in school. You better act quickly.
Adam


Hi Adam,
Thanks for that extra info, not as exotic as I thought after all. Anyways, I don't see anything on that website that is mine. When you look over to the right though, just below where it says 'followers', I don't think those pictures are hers. Go get her, Adam!
Cheers and happy riding
Robby


Hi Robby,
You haven't been around much on the internet, have you! Those followers are avatars of people who follow her blog. What I meant was the bicycle in the pictures here:
http://cycling4oldies.blogspot.com/2010/08/safe-travel-for-bayley.html
I saw that bicycle in your shop. She posted it on the internet, it should probably be removed.
Adam


Hi Adam,
I sell bicycles like that, but the one in the picture isn't mine because I don't have a dog basket on my bicycle.
What are avatars? What are followers? Could you also explain to me what a blog is? And why is her blog being followed by avatars? How do they follow it? Not like it's moving or anything...
Cheers and happy riding!
Robby


Hi Robby,
Never mind. Seriously, forget that I mentioned anything
Adam

Thursday

What is your IP?

Cool things to reply when a help desk asks you for your IP address

1) Are you joking? Just get it from my email header.

2) Sorry, I'm not giving my IP to anyone, that's private information.

3) What's an IP? I didn't realise you had to have a degree in computer science to use the internet.

4) It was 74.43.218.22 yesterday, but it changed.

5) Thanks for asking.

6) You should know. You blocked it.

7) I'm not sure, let me call my ISP and I'll let you know.

8) What do you need that for?

9) Don't bother, I always use proxies when accessing your site.

10) Sorry, I don't think I have an IP.

11) I think it's internet explorer but I could be wrong.

12) I can't imagine just giving my IP without any compensation.

Sunday

Seen on the internet today

Let it be known that I don't feel proud of myself for making fun of someone else's typos. I am not perfect myself, and I make plenty of typos. Of course, I blame it on an invisible force switching the keys around on me while I'm typing.

Anyways, seen on the internet today:



To be fair, I blocked out the site name. I'm not sure if it would "benifit" me to contact their "profesional support" though :)

Monday

The Dog Drama

Hi guys,
It looks like I have two banned accounts at your forum, usernames are Tibor and Veleta. I have no idea what went wrong here. Surely this is a mistake, can you take a look please?
Thank you very much
Joyce


Hi Joyce,
It is against forum rules to use more than one account on the forum. It appears that you have been using three accounts: Usernames Joyce, Tibor and Veleta. We have banned Tibor and Veleta. You are free to continue using the Joyce account.
Thanks
James


Hi James,
Technically, those accounts aren't mine, I made them for my dogs. I fully consider my dogs to be part of the family. It doesn't say in the rules that family members can't have an account. Please reconsider. My dogs are in such a good routine. They sit on a chair next to me when I browse the forum, and once we are done browsing, they get their treats. I am very upset that my fur babies can't be a part of your forum. To prove that those really are my dogs, I have included pictures:




oh and by the way, you missed the Charlie account. That is my turtle. If my turtle can stay, then you should let my dogs stay as well.
Thanks
Joyce


Hi Joyce,
We were unaware of the fact that you had four accounts, thanks for pointing that out. Unfortunately, we also had to ban Charlie. Again, you are free to continue using your Joyce account on the forum.
Thanks
James


Hi James,
I am heartbroken. My dogs can go to the park with me, they can go to the beach with me, they can walk in the street with me, but they can't visit your forum with me? Don't you feel this is discrimination?
I am not too concerned with Charlie, he was banned from facebook too, (let me know if you want some juicy details on that, it's a long story). While part of the family, I don't really consider Charlie my "baby", he's more like a nephew or something. But Tibor and Veleta... I really am heartbroken by this.
I read your rules very carefully and it does not say anywhere that dogs are not allowed to be a part of the forum. Please reconsider, this is a serious issue.
Thanks for your time
Joyce


Hi Joyce,
We have adjusted our rules, please read rule 5 of section 3.:
5) Only human beings are allowed to register at our forums. We do not allow registrations for dogs, turtles, elephants, or any animals whatsoever.
Thank you
James


Hi James,
The problem here is that I registered those accounts for my dogs before you changed the rules.  Therefore, those rules do not apply to my dogs. A few years ago, they changed the laws so that people could no longer smoke at restaurants. Did they fine restaurant owners for allowing smokers before the laws were changed? No of course not. I think I have a case here and I won't hesitate to pursue it.  I took a screen shot of your rules before you modified them, I found the old set of rules on google's cached pages.
I don't have a choice but to contact my lawyer.
Joyce


Hi Joyce,
We have unbanned your Veleta and Tibor accounts.
Sorry for the inconvenience.
James


Hi James,
Thank you ever so much, it's really appreciated.
Joyce
P.S. Don't worry about Charlie, he's really not into forum participation.
Oh and how about my Jaws, Oranjo, Squibble, and Boomer accounts? Can they stay? These are my gold fish.

Sunday

Profanity Filter

Hi,
I am using your blog software and noticed there is a profanity filter.
How do I turn it off? I can't find it in the settings.
Thanks in advance for any help you can give me.
Julia


Hello Julia,
The profanity filter is built into the code and cannot be turned off.
Sorry about any inconvenience this may cause you.
Marina
Blog help desk staff


Hi Marina,
Thanks for replying, I appreciate it.
Is there any way you can turn it off, just for my blog? It's important.
Thanks
Julia


Hello Julia,
We use the same code across all servers and all blogs, I'm afraid there is no way to make an exception.
You have a blog about outdoor fun for children, is there any particular reason why you'd like to have the profanity filter turned off?
Thanks
Marina
Blog help desk staff


Hi Marina,
Yes there is a reason. I wrote a blog post about how to plant pussy willows and it displays as %$@*&! willows, that looks pretty ugly.
Thanks
Julia


Hello Julia,
Try p u s s y willows, that should work.
Thanks
Marina
Blog help desk staff


Hi Marina,
F a n t a s t i c, that worked!
Thank you ever so much!
Julia

Monday

Password reset with a twist

Hi friendly folks at the help desk,
I am trying to sign in at your site but my password doesn't seem to work.
Can you help?
Maddy


Hello Maddy,
Thanks for contacting us. We can reset your password for you. In order to accomplish that, we'll need to ask you a couple of questions so that you can establish ownership of the account first.
Would you mind giving us the date of birth, last 4 digits of your social security number  and full name you entered on your registration form?
Thanks
Support staff


Hi support staff,
I am sorry but I'm not going to do that. You're probably good and honest folks, but I can't give you my personal information, just in case there is a chance that you are trying to steal my identity. I am being very careful with what kind of information I give on the internet. Surely you can reset my password without this information?
Maddy


Hello Maddy,
You did in fact give us your information (full name, date of birth and last 4 digits of your social security number) when you registered. Those are required fields on the registration form.
All we need you to do is repeat this information now as proof of ownership of the account, and then we can reset your password for you.
Thanks
Support staff


Hi support staff,
The more I think about this, the more I am convinced that you are trying to steal my identity. If I already gave this information on the registration form, then you should have it and there is no reason for me to give it again.
I did some reading up on identity theft and couldn't find anything about help desk folks stealing identities, but I don't trust it, sorry. Crooks come up with new ideas all the time.
Please just give me a new password, that's all I'm asking.
Maddy


Hello Maddy,
I am sorry but we cannot reset your pasword unless you prove ownership of the account which you can do by giving the information we asked for. Again, note that we do have this information already, we just need you to confirm it.
Thanks
Support staff


Hi support staff,
All right I know that I didn't give you my name and all that, I'd never give that on the internet, especially not to strangers. I'll tell you my name and DOB, and please reset my password then, it can't be that difficult.
Full name: Madonna Von Bogus
DOB: February 29 1975
Maddy


Hello Maddy,
The information you provided is incorrect. There were only 28 days in February 1975 and you were not born in 1975. Your last name Von Bogus does not appear to be your name.
Please try again.
Thanks
Support staff


Hi support staff,
Wow this is getting a tad too serious for my taste. You seem to know more about me than I feel comfortable with.
Tell you what.. before I give you any information at all, I want to make sure you really are the support staff people for the site I signed up with. I've heard of emails being derouted to different places so that people can get one's personal info, and I think this might be the case here.
Please provide the following information promptly to prove me wrong:
Your full name
Date of birth
Last 4 digits of your social security number
Your work schedule
The exact amount that showed on your paycheck for January 2011
Your home and work IP
Your address and phone number
Full names of your parents
Please also provide a scanned copy of your birth certificate along with a scanned copy of picture ID
Maddy


Hello Maddy,
I am sorry but we don't give our personal information to customers.
Support staff


Hi again help desk,
And how exactly is that fair? You demand my personal information, but I can't have yours in return?  This is abuse of powers.  Trust is a two way lane, you know..
You can keep my accont.. enjoy it!
Maddy

EasyBits Go, a "fine" example of customer support.

This morning when I signed on to skype, I was asked if I wanted to try some game, I clicked deny, but it installed anyways.
Turns out I'm not the only one.

Their help forums are flooded, and one official skype reply, 7 pages later... "Please bear with us until we can give an official statement on this later"

Later? What do you mean, later? Tomorrow? Next week? Next month? People are spending their Saturday afternoon trying to figure out how to uninstall the thing, running malware and virus scans.. This has been going on all day.

Just in case this happened to anyone who is reading this.. Removing Easybits Go:

1) Open your task manager
2) End the process on skype, skypePM and Easybit Go
3) Once you've killed the process on all of them, go into your programs and delete Easybit Go from there.
4) Reboot

After you remove it, you need to adjust your skype settings so that it doesn't sneak up on you again.

1) In skype, click tools -> options -> advanced
2) UN-check the box next to 'automatically start extras'
3) Save the changes.

Saturday

You're Reducible

Hi,
I am writing to you in regards to your offensive captaches.


Do you honestly think that decent, self-respecting people like me will sign up at your site?
You're already offending them before they have clicked the join button.
What exactlly are you implying with "you're reducible"? Are you calling me fat?
I demand an immediate apology.
Steve


Hello Steve,
We are sorry that you felt offended by our captchas. Those words are chosen randomly and are not to be taken personal. It was an unfortunate combination of words, and by no means meant to offend anyone.
Should you wish, we can register the account for you so that you won't have to deal with the captchas again. Simply provide your email, desired username and password, and date of birth.
Thank you,
Support Team


Hey, where is the apology I asked for? I didn't ask to have an account registered, I don't want an account with you now, I just want an apology.  "We're sorry" isn't cutting it. If someone told you that you're reducible, wouldn't you take it personal? You won't get away with this.
You're arrogant, lazy, stubborn &^%*$s and please don't take this personal, it's just an unfortunate combination of words that slipped into my message here.
Steve


Hello Steve,
We do profusely apologise for the heartache this has caused you.
Should you still wish to have the account registered, please let us know.
Support Team


Hey thanks. Apology accepted.
As for registering an account.. no, no and no.
Steve

Friday

Things you should not say or do when contacting a help desk

1) After submitting a ticket, do not keep refreshing your email to see if they have replied yet. A watched pot doesn't boil.
Many help desks simply don't reply. Consider a reply optional. 
Consider a reply within 24 hours an extra bonus.
Consider a reply within two hours a fluke.
On the same note, I would not suggest ending your ticket with "I am holding my breath, waiting for your reply"

2) Do not offer help desk employees your firstborn after your problem has been resolved.
Honestly, they don't need your firstborn. A simple thank you will do.
Moreover, what on earth are you going to do should they accept?

3) Do not use all caps.
The help desk staff won't be impressed. They won't be scared, either. 
They won't print out your ticket and hang it on their bedroom wall as a souvenir. Using caps on a help desk ticket is like screaming at the customer service folks at walmart. 

4) Do not get upset should you receive a reply that is completely unrelated to your question.
They too are human. Sometimes they use canned replies. 
Maybe they popped a reply from the wrong category into the reply box on accident. Just patiently tell them that you have received the wrong canned reply and repeat your question.

5) Do not start your ticket with "I have a problem"
It's redundant. Of course you have a problem, you're not contacting a help desk because you want to know what their staff had for breakfast (At least I'd hope not).

6) Do not use the F-word or its brothers or sisters.
As with the caps, nobody is going to be impressed. 
Nobody is going to start trembling and give your ticket absolute priority. 

7) Do not start a long ticket with "Dear Beloved"
Chances are the help desk staff will consider it a scam mail, close your ticket, and block your email.

8) Do not tell the story of your life on a help desk ticket. Nobody wants to read it.

Example of a good ticket:
Hi,
I lost my password, can you reset it for me?
Username: Sundance
Answer to secret question on my account: Buster
Thanks

Example of a bad ticket:
Hi,
I cleaned out my desk drawer the other day, looking for the post card I received from grandma back in 2008. I had kept the post card in my desk drawer because I had jotted my password down on it. It was a post card she sent when she was in Paris with grandpa. They went all the way up the Eiffel Tower by stairs. 
I still think she should not have worn her mini skirt that day, but to each their own. I understand about wanting to look and act like a spring chicken at age 70, but still.... 
Anyways, I did find the post card, but the problem was I had a whole bunch of passwords written on it, not just that one, and I couldn't remember which one I had used for my account with you. 
To make it worse, my dad has been using that post card for his passwords as well.
I'd have contacted you sooner, but I've been busy going through dad's browser history and trying to fit the passwords on the correct sites. It turned into a neat game. It felt a bit like Mazito, each time I solved a mystery, I got the feeling that I had accomplished something grand. 
Some of dad's passwords were no challenge, he tends to just reverse the names of the sites. 
His pass for facebook is bookface, his password for paypal is palpay. Then there is spacemy, tubeyou, etc...
So here I am sitting in this mess, trying to find my password, can you help?
Thanks

Saturday

A Little Help From A Friend

[7:16:24 PM] begin chat session

[7:17:25 PM] cookie: hey what's up?
[7:17:26 PM] me: nothing, and you?
[7:17:37 PM] cookie: got a minute to help me with something?
[7:17:38 PM] me: sure, what do you need?
[7:19:08 PM] cookie: I need to clear my cache
[7:19:12 PM] me: and?
[7:19:13 PM] cookie: I don't even know what that is
[7:19:54 PM] me: who says you have to clear your cache?
[7:23:49 PM] cookie: some help desk. Their site looks all squished to me.
[7:23:54 PM] me: what browser and version do you use?
[7:23:57 PM] cookie: no idea, I don't know what you're talking about.
[7:24:04 PM] me: are you serious?
[7:25:28 PM] cookie: do I look as if I'm joking?
[7:25:48 PM] me: I don't know, I'm not "seeing" you.
[7:25:50 PM] cookie: so what's a browser?
[7:25:57 PM] me: the program you use to browse the internet with.
[7:25:59 PM] cookie: can you be a bit more specific? You're speaking in riddles. Sheesh.
[7:27:25 PM] me: are you at their website right now?
[7:27:52 PM] cookie: yes
[7:28:58 PM] me: look up, do you see "help"?
[7:29:02 PM] cookie: I see the ceiling, no idea what you're talking about.
[7:29:12 PM] me: look at your screen, at the line up top, do you see words like file, edit, go, bookmarks, tools, help...
[7:29:19 PM] cookie: oh yes I see help there.
[7:36:03 PM] me: click help and then about
[7:36:47 PM] cookie: there is no about
[7:36:59 PM] me: sure there is, work with me here.
[7:37:36 PM] cookie: I see about internet explorer, is that it?
[7:37:41 PM] me: yes, click on it
[7:37:49 PM] cookie: it says internet explorer 6
[7:37:51 PM] me: heh I don't think clearing your cache is going to help. The website probably doesn't support IE6, that is an old browser version you have there.
[7:38:02 PM] cookie: it worked last month.
[7:38:04 PM] me: whatever. Click tools and then internet options
[7:38:09 PM] cookie: but you told me to click help and then about
[7:38:12 PM] me: that was then and this is now. Click tools and then internet options
[7:38:14 PM] cookie: if you say so
[7:38:15 PM] me: now click delete where you see delete temporary internet files, cookies, saved passwords..
[7:38:22 PM] cookie: I don't want to delete my saved passwords
[7:38:26 PM] me: you won't. Just click there.
[7:38:31 PM] cookie: I really don't want to delete my saved passwords.
[7:38:41 PM] me: YOU WON'T, JUST CLICK THERE
[7:38:54 PM] cookie: don't yell at me :(
[7:38:57 PM] me: did you click?
[7:39:50 PM] cookie: no.
[7:40:08 PM] me: do... it ... now.... or I'm signing off
[7:40:15 PM] cookie: calm down, I clicked
[7:40:22 PM] me: bravo! Clap clap.. now click delete files next to temporary internet files
[7:40:28 PM] cookie: Done, but how about my cache now, how do I clear that?
[7:41:32 PM] me: you just did.
[7:41:36 PM] cookie: I don't know what you're talking about
[7:41:39 PM] me: your cache is just a different word for temporary internet files.
[7:41:45 PM] cookie: ok, but they said to clear my cache, not delete it.
[7:41:52 PM] me: that is the same.
[7:42:00 PM] cookie: how do you know?
[7:42:03 PM] me: it's common knowledge, cookie. It's no rocket science.
[7:42:11 PM] cookie: if you say so.
[7:42:16 PM] me: you've now cleared your browser's cache, like they asked you to.
[7:42:18 PM] cookie: what is a browser?
[7:42:51 PM] me: I already explained that to you.. look up. Or wait.. don't look up, just don't.
[7:43:01 PM] me: do you still have that box open in which you clicked delete files?
[7:43:04 PM] cookie: yes
[7:43:48 PM] me: good. Now click delete cookies.
[7:44:08 PM] cookie: I thought you said I had already cleared my cache.
[7:44:14 PM] me: you have, but now you need to delete your cookies
[7:45:08 PM] cookie: why??
[7:45:15 PM] me: because that'll automatically sign you out of this chat and I get to take a break :)
[7:45:26 PM] cookie: sorry, we're not all computer geeks like you are, have a bit patience with me.
[7:45:41 PM] me: all right, sorry. Forget about deleting your cookies, just go back to that website, is it displaying normally now?
[7:45:50 PM] cookie: no, it still looks all squished. Are you sure I cleared my cache?
[7:45:56 PM] me: yes. You have to upgrade your browser.
[7:46:01 PM] cookie: I don't know what you're talking about.
[7:46:06 PM] me: your browser is outdated, you have to upgrade it if you want web pages to display properly.
[7:46:07 PM] cookie. okay. Can you help me with that?
[7:46:46 PM] me: no

[7:53:08 PM] end of chat session

Sunday

The Used Pillow

Hi Sundance,
I am trying to buy a pillow but it won't take my credit card info, can you help me please?
Thanks
Kim


Hi Kim,
Thanks for emailing  me. I just have a blog here with some ramblings about help desk stuff, but I'm not really a help desk. If you have trouble paying for the pillow, you should probably go to the site where you tried to buy the pillow and contact them. Most sites have a help or contact link at the bottom.
In the meantime, you could fold up a blanket and use that as a pillow, or if you have a dog, let him sleep on the bed after his flea bath and use him as a pillow.
Peace,
Sundance


Hi Sundance,
I don't understand. I clicked on your pillow link and you're saying you're not selling pillows? It said 50% off on all used pillows, click here. And I clicked on "here" , then I ordered the pillow and that is when I got trouble paying.
You should probably remove your pillow link if you don't sell pillows.
Kim


Hi Kim,
Where exactly on my blog do you see a sale for used pillows? I mean, I can sell you mine if you really want one, but I think you are confusing my blog with a different site.
Peace!
Sundance


Hi Sundance,
The pillow link is gone now, that is not cool to quickly take it away and replace it with something different. I should have taken a screen shot of it. You know as well as I do where that link was. It was in a box over to the right just below "blog archive".
I'll be darned if I visit here again.
Kim


Hi kim,
Oh now I understand. You clicked on an advertisement. Those things change, you know. I don't have control over what gets advertised on my blog. Surely you are familiar with advertisements on the internet? Yeah google puts a little something in my piggy bank when people click those ad links, but if you click a link to an ad, selling something, I am not the one selling it. And just between us, I wouldn't buy a used pillow. Who wants to buy a pillow someone else drooled on? It's probably just a couple bucks more for a new one.
Peace!
Sundance


Hi Sundance,
So let me see if I understand this. I click the pillow link and buy the pillow. The place that sells the pillow gets money, and you get money too?
kim


Hi kim,
Well no, you didn't buy the pillow, so the place that sells the pillow got nothing, and I got something. Yeah I know it isn't fair but fairness is a pretty relative concept after all. Don't worry about it.
Pleace!
Sundance


Hi Sundance,
I hope that your blog readers will realise how you are scamming everyone. I click your pillow link, I can't buy a pillow and you get money AND you shamelessly tell me the pillows have been drooled on. If you are not the one selling the pillows, then how do you know they have been drooled on? I think you talked yourself into a corner here.
The internet is full of scammers, isn't it.
Kim


Hi Kim,
I don't know for sure if the pillows have been drooled on or not, that is just an assumption on my part. Statistics show that 99% of all people drool within the first hour of being in bed for the night. You can test this by setting your alarm clock to buzz an hour after you've gone to bed, then check and see if your pillow is moist (once you have a pillow of course).
I'll buy you a new pillow if you let me post our conversation on my blog.
Peace!
Sundance


Hi Sundance,
Hmmmmyes, I guesso
Kim

Thursday

Dear Beloved Part Two

This is a bit of a different post than what I usually write, but I've got to share this, it's hilarious.
I received another 419 scam mail today. (at the help desk, yes)
A rich, woman, close to kicking the bucket, wanting to transfer her late husband's millions to me. Darn, my lucky day!

There are two things about the mail that are particularly funny.
It starts off like this:

"First of all, I seek your indulgence to solicit for your assistance concerning the content of my e-mail, although I am not comfortable discussing it through this manner, due to lots of unsolicited mails on the internet presently"

That line in itself is worth a reply, something like.. "hmm I can't remember giving you my email or asking you to mail me but hey, thanks for thinking of me, it's appreciated!"

One of the next paragraphs in the mail is top notch, it beats every scam mail I've ever seen.

"According to the doctor, my medical report quotes a very short life sperm due to my health status presently"

Life sperm? I read it twice, I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me.

I googled that line, being fairly confident that others have received such mail as well. Lo and behold, look at that:

Mrs Victoria Szentiványi had a short life sperm in May 2010.

http://www.419scam.org/emails/2010-06/16/01099278.39.htm
Mrs. Josepha F. Biondolillo is looking at a short life sperm in June 2010

http://www.thescambaiter.com/forum/showthread.php?t=89281
Mrs. Albina Marada was facing a short life sperm last month.

Anne Nanda Bates joins the short life sperm club.

Mrs.Elizabeth Joshua also fell victim of the short life sperm epidemic.

Relentlessly, the short life sperm bug bit Hajjah Aicha Kone

Mrs. Brina vanska was hit with a short life sperm diagnosis last spring.

Symptoms of short life sperm:
1) You start emailing complete strangers.
2) You want to give away millions.
3) You develop multiple personality disorder and start using different names.

At least I am not rich. I won't have to worry about short life sperm!


Tuesday

Dear Beloved

Dear Beloved,

I am the General Manager in our bank. I have the opportunity of transferring the sum of $7.500.000 (Seven million Five Hundred Thousand Dollars) to one of our bank Customer who passed away in the year 27nd february of 2006.
My request for you to stand as next of kin in this business is because the fact that the customer is a foreigner. I want to propose that 40% of this fund gos to you and 60% for me. As soon as you answer, I will give more details of this transaction. Please know that this is a secret.

Thanks,
Raja Island


Hi Raja,
You have emailed this to the Spam and Scam Hotline Helpdesk (SSHH). Surely this was sent in error.
Thanks
William
SSHH Support Team


Dear William,
Thank you for reply. Please be so kind to send your phone number, bank account number and credit card number and we can start this transaction.
I am eager and impatient waiting for your email.
Thanks,
Raja Island


Hi Raja,
By the looks of it, you didn't read my mail too carefully. I am here to protect people against scammers like you.
Let me give you a few pieces of advice:
1) Brush up your English, it's terrible.
2) Choose your email addresses more carefully.
3) Make up a more unique story because the bank transfer horse has been beaten to death.
4) Get a real job.
Thanks.
William
SSHH Support Team


Dear William,
Thanks again for reply. I not understand the horse, I work in a bank, not a barn.
Please kindly send me your bank account and credit card number as well as your phone number. The funds will be disappear if we don't act soon.
We can do 50% for me and 50% for you if that is better.
Thanks
Raja Island


Hi Raja,
Let me spell this out for you.
You have emailed SSHH. We try and trace scammers. We help victims of scammers get back on their feet, we provide a wealth of information, educating people on how to prevent falling victim of scams. Sending us, of all people,  a scam mail is like walking through an open field in a severe thunderstorm while holding a golf club high up in the air.
You're looking for trouble. A request has already been sent to your email service to have your email closed. If you want more, keep replying.
Thanks
William
SSHH Support Team


Dear William,
Many thanks for reply. I don't play golf but thanks for offering, you are very nice person.
Sorry I waited so long for replying to you, my email stopped working and I had to set up a new one. Please send me your information, we need to start this transaction soon. If you not interested, you know someone else who is interested?
Thanks
Raja Island


Hi Raja,
Yes I know someone who is interested, thank you for asking. He is a police officer and a very nice guy. Don't hold what he does for a living against him, he's cool. You will find his phone number in the attachment, please tell him I sent you and give him my kindest regards. Don't forget to tell him where you live, he likes to discuss transactions of this nature in person :)
He says he only wants 10% of the funds and you get to keep 90%
William
SSHH Support Team


* Disclaimer: Please note that it is not my intention to make fun of people who don't speak English well (As a matter of fact, English is not my first language), but I have yet to receive one scam mail in my inbox that is written in perfect English, hence the joking about the language.

Monday

Entrecard Down

* Please note that the email conversation below is made up by me, I never contacted them, but it really was down for me, and probably for others too. So, if you didn't see me drop my card on your blog yesterday, it's just because entrecard had problems. It doesn't seem to be completely fixed yet at this time.
I'll just make something up while waiting :)

Hey guys, this is Sundance, my entrecard drop inbox is down. This is terrible, I can't see who dropped cards on me and I don't want my entrecard friends to think that I don't want to return the favour and drop cards on them.
Can you look into this please?
Thanks,
Sundance.

Hi Sundance,
Thank you for contacting us. Our technicians are already looking into the problem and will fix it as soon as possible.
Support Team

Hey guys, me again..
It's been 31 minutes and 12 seconds and my inbox is still down. I can imagine my entrecard friends refreshing their inboxes constantly to see if I have dropped my card yet, and with each refresh their disappointment grows. Please help, this is very serious! I honestly hate to disappoint people because it's not good for my general karma.
Sundance

Hi Sundance,
Don't worry, their drop inboxes are down too, so they can't refresh them. Just hang in there, it will be fixed as soon as possible.
Support Team

Hey support team,
Thanks for replying so quickly. It's been almost an hour now, is there any progress? If not, is there any way I can help? I'm pretty good at computer stuff, the other day I didn't have to ask my neighbour to help me turn my computer on, I figured it out all on my own. With that kind of progress in one day, I believe I have what it takes to help you fix this. Just lemme know, I'll be more than happy to help.
Thanks
Sundance

Hi Sundance,
Thank you for the offer, but it's all under control. Our techs are working tirelessly to fix the problem. Just sit tight, we'll be up and running before you know it.
Support staff

Hey guys, me again..
Two hours, 24 minutes and 6 seconds now, and it's still down. You said the techs were working tirelessly to fix the problem, but maybe they got tired and fell asleep? Can you check on them and make sure they are working? Maybe poor them some fresh coffee and make sure there is no booze around? Just a FYI, I still have 206 cards to drop.
Thanks,
Sundance

Hi Sundance,
A fix of this nature can take some time. The techs are in the process of pinpointing the problem. Perhaps you could do something else while waiting, like writing a new blog post.
Thanks
Support Team

Hey guys,
I don't understand? They don't need to pinpoint the problem, I can tell you were the problem is. It's in my drop inbox, I get an error when I click on it.
Just sign in as me and click on my drop inbox, and you'll see the problem.


Hi Sundance,
What you see when you click on your drop inbox is the result of the problem, the actual problem needs to be found on our end, either in the code or on the servers.
Thanks for trying to help, and thanks for your feedback.
Support team

Hey guys,
Come on, it's been over 4 hours now. May I kindly remind you that I have 206 cards to drop? That stands for 206 disappointed people who did not receive their daily drop from me. 206 broken hearts, 206 people who will not sleep peacefully tonight, 206 blogs waiting for my visit, 206 cards out there in a cold, dark corner of the internet, never dropped. This is a tragedy. Do you have any news on the progress here? How is it being fixed, how long will it take, when should I expect to be able to drop my cards? Can you give me the email or phone number of one of the techs so that I can check with them directly?
Thanks!

Hi Sundance,
I'm afraid that we have no additional information to give you. Our techs are working on the problem and they will fix it as soon as they can. We do not disclose private information of our techs, such as phone numbers or emails.
Thanks
Support team

Hey guys,
Eight hours and counting. I went from being worried to being mad. Look, this is the deal: I will delete a card every 10 minutes until all is fixed. Fair enough, eh?
Sundance

Hi Sundance,
Cards can't be deleted. Just hang in there, it will be fixed soon.
Support Team

Hey guys,
Sure cards can be deleted. Take a look at this blog:
http://zandranna.blogspot.com/
I deleted their card. There!
Sundance

Hi Sundance,
May we ask how you deleted the card?
Thanks
Support Team

Hey guys,
Do I have to tell you everything?
I take a screen shot of the card, print it out and put it in the shredder.
I've deleted 18 cards now. Just 4 minutes till number 19 bites the dust.
Pretty cool, innit?
Sundance

*Update: Shortly after sending the above email, Sundance noticed that the drop inbox was fixed. She is currently busy glueing the shredded papers back together.

Saturday

Typo

Hi there,
I registered an account with you yesterday, but I made a typo in my username, can you change that for me?
The correct username should be Green Pastures.
Thanks,
Walt

Hi Walt,
Thank you for contacting us here at the help desk.
The username associated with your email is Captchas Suck. Is it perhaps a different account you are referring to?
Thank you
Wilma
Customer Support

Hi Wilma,
No, that is the right account, the username should be Green Pastures, can you correct that?
Sorry for the trouble.
Walt

Hi Walt,
That is one heck of a huge typo.. are you certain? You wish to have Captchas Suck changed to Green Pastures?
For a change as invasive as this one, I will have to ask you the answer to the secret question on your account.
Question: My pet's name?
Thank you
Wilma
Customer Support

Hi Wilma,
Yeah sorry about the typo, I might have been slightly intoxicated while registering the account.
My pet's name is Whiskey.
Looking forward to having my username corrected.
Walt

Hi Walt,
Thank you, that is the correct answer.
Your username has been changed to Green Pastures.
Wilma
Customer Support

Hi Wilma,
W00t, that was very nice of you.
It started to snow though. Would you mind changing my username to White Pastures?
Thanks
Walt

Hi Walt,
Each account comes with one free username change. The second time there is a $5 charge. You may send the funds via paypal. As soon as we receive it, I will be happy to change your username to White Pastures.
Thanks
Wilma
Customer Support

Hi Wilma,
I beg to differ. Your guidelines say that correcting a typo is not considered a full username change, and thus will not be counted. I asked you to correct a typo which you did. Therefore, you still owe me that free username change.
Thanks,
Walt

Hi Walt,
A typo is an error made when you press the wrong letter on your keyboard, meaning to press a different one. Technically, there were no typos found in your Captchas Suck username. The change was not a correction of a typo, it was a full name change.
Thank you
Wilma
Customer Support

Hi Wilma,
Please take a moment to review one of your earlier replies to me. I quote:
"That is one heck of a huge typo"
You clearly stated that you were handling a typo and not a name change. You owe me a free name change.
I insist.
Walt

Hi Walt,
My name is Jen, and I'll be happy to assist you today.
Your free name change has been granted.
Enjoy!
Jen
Customer Support Supervisor

Jen,
What happened? What is going on? I signed in and noticed that my new username is now Ugly Pastures. I asked for White Pastures, please do it right.
Ugly Pastures makes me feel ridiculous..
Walt

Hi Walt,
I am very sorry, I must have made a typo.
Our database is set up in such a way that it only allows two changes. Unfortunately I will not be able to change your name again.
Please accept my sincere apologies.
Jen
Customer Support Supervisor

Changes..

It started out exciting, the stories flowed in nicely, but last night I was wondering, how many stories about captchas can I write without starting to sound boring? I can imagine my followers yawning, rolling their eyes.. oh no, not another story, she's at it again!
My grandmother used to tell me that when you roll your eyes, they can get stuck and they'll never go back to normal. On top of that, when you yawn, you can get jawlock. I heard it's ugly and they have to knock you real hard on your chin to unlock your jaw. Let's avoid this kind of problems.

While I was writing the Help Desk Conversation story, I could see a lot of possibilities there. So, I'm going to upgrade this blog from captchas fun to captchas and help desk fun. Stay tuned for more stories. Help desks are hilarious places, I promise.

Thursday

What was your favourite high school teacher's name?

Hi,
I am contacting you because I can't sign in at your website. It gives a "wrong username and password" combination. Deleting my cookies didn't help. The forgot password link doesn't work, can you give me a new password on your end please?
Thanks in advance.
Blue Moon

Hi Blue Moon,
I will be happy to reset your password for you. Before I can do this, you need to prove that you are the owner of the account. Please answer the secret question you have on your account.
Secret question: "What was my favourite high school teacher's name?"
Thank you
Janet
Outer Space Help Desk

Hi Janet,
Thanks for replying but I'm lost now. I don't know you, I don't know where you live, and I honestly have no idea what your favourite high school teacher's name was. There are billions of names in the world, I have more chance of winning the lottery than guessing your teacher's name.
Is there any way you can just give me a new password and skip the teacher question?
Thanks in advance.
Blue Moon

Hi Blue Moon,
When you register an account with us, you are offered several secret questions. You then pick one and answer it. If you know the answer, it means that you own the account. Since you picked the question "What was my favourite high school teacher's name?", and you were the one answering the question, we'd be looking for your favourite high school teacher's name, not mine. If you can just tell me which one of your high school teachers you liked the best, I can reset your password, as long as the answer matches the answer on your account.
Thanks
Janet
Outer Space Help Desk

Hi again Janet,
I was home schooled. Can we just skip the question?
Thanks,
Blue Moon

Hi Blue Moon.
That was not the correct answer. I cannot reset your password unless you provide a correct answer to the question.
Thanks
Janet
Outer Space Help Desk

Hi Janet,
My mom taught me how to write. Her name is Marion
Dad taught me math, sort of. His name is David
My uncle taught me four-letter words, his name is Jeffrey.
My aunt taught me a few things too, her name is Bella.
I was most interested in the four-letter words, so I might have used Jeffrey as an asnwer. How did I do?
Thanks,
Blue Moon

Hi Blue Moon,
Jeffrey was the correct answer, thank you.
Your new password is: deleted
Thanks
Janet
Outer Space Help Desk

Hi Janet,
Why did you delete my new password? You didn't even tell me what it was???
Thanks
Blue Moon

Hi Blue moon,
Your new password is deleted. When you type the word "deleted" in the password field, you will be able to sign in.
Thanks
Janet
Outer Space Help Desk

Tuesday

Help desk conversation

Dear help desk staff,

Included is a screen shot of your captchas. I am trying to register, but I've always been a bad guesser. Can you please tell me what those letters are?



Thanks,
Johnny


Hello Johnny,

Thank you for contacting us at the help desk.
The words you are looking for are "and orelsill" but if you no longer have the tab open with the registration form, you will see new words next time.

If there is anything else I can help you with, please let me know.
Thanks, Melissa
Help Desk Repersentative



Dear help desk Melissa,

Thanks for your quick reply. Yes, I already closed the tab. Here is a new screen shot, I will keep the tab open this time around.



Thanks again,
Johnny




Hello Johnny,

Thank you for contacting us.
The words you are looking for are "ralte Lanorenoe"


If there is anything else I can help you with, please let me know.
Thanks, Melissa
Help Desk Repersentative




Dear help desk Melissa,

That was a big no-no, I thought it was Lawrence and wrote to you just to be sure, maybe I should have gone with my gut feeling. Thanks for trying though. I am surprised they didn't train you properly to help people with this, but I understand that you are doing the best you can. Could you try one more time please?



Thanks,
Johnny




Hello Johnny,

The first word is Strevol, and the first part of the second word is diva. I am unable to decipher the last part of the second word. I am sorry I cannot be of more help. Perhaps you could keep refreshing the page until you find words that you are able to read,


If there is anything else I can help you with, please let me know.
Thanks, Melissa
Help Desk Repersentative




Help desk Melissa,

I tried refreshing a few times but cannot read those codes. To keep refreshing the page is not an option, let me explain my situation. I registered an account with your message board hosting system yesterday, but I got banned for spam a few hours later. I was promoting a friend's message board which is on a different hosting system and I admit that I might have been a bit over-zealous. So I am trying today, after I got a new email (my previous one can't be used because it's banned, you see). I am on limited bandwidth and I used quite a bit of it yesterday, so I got to be careful with refreshing.
Here is the new screen shot, can you please try a bit harder?



Thanks
Johnny



Hello Johnny,

It is against our rules to register a new account when you are banned.
I am afraid that I won't be able to assist you any further.


If there is anything else I can help you with, please let me know.
Thanks, Melissa
Help Desk Repersentative




Melissa,

What do you mean with "I won't be able to assist you any further"? You have yet to assist me. I'd also appreciate it if you could remove the "If there is anything else I can help you with" line from your signature, because I yet have to get help around here. This line is becoming an eyesore,
Please try one more time, I still have my tab open with the image I sent you earlier.

Thanks - I hope
Johnny



Hello Johnny,

May I please remind you that it is against our terms to re-register after being banned?
Moreover, the bandwidth you have spent sending in tickets with screen shots could have been used to refresh the page many times.

Thanks.
Melissa



You little witch,

Does your supervisor know how you treat your customers? Please escalate this ticket, I demand to speak with a supervisor.

Johnny


*Two days later*


Hello?? Is this thing on?

Johnny

Monday

Bug Report

Description of the issue:
The human verification code is impossible to read by humans.

OS: All operating systems
Browser: All browsers
Severity: Major
Priority: Emergency

Steps to reproduce:
1) Navigate to your impossible site
2) Click the registration button
3) Go through the trouble of filling the 10 required fields
4) Click "next" to get to the page where you see the human verification code.
5) View the human verification code. If you're brave, type the letters in the box.

Expected result:
A human can read the code because it is called Human Verification Code. While reading the code, the registrant feels human. On a scale from 1 to 10, reading difficulty level does not exceed 5.

Actual result:
A human cannot read the code and therefore does not feel human. On a scale from 1 to 10, reading difficulty level is 24 and up.

Screen shot:



Additional information:
The other day when I tried to register, I lashed out at the cat in desperation. The cat jumped against the window to get away from me and held on to the curtain with her claws. The curtain fell and took the monitor down, which then fell on a chair. The chair tipped over and crashed into the tower while the curtain rod hit me in the head. I am writing this from my hospital room on a borrowed laptop.
My expected release date is tomorrow, if I pass the pshychological test.
Please make sure this is fixed by the time I get back home.

Truly yours,
Johnny

Saturday

Teacher suspended

Elderville, January 18, 2011

Jimmy, a 34 year old teacher from Elderville, was suspended today for using repeated profanity in front of his classroom while teaching "Internet Etiquette" to his 12-year old students.

The lesson started as usual, the students turned on their computers and logged in to the shared screen on which they could watch their teacher browse the internet. In today's lesson, Jimmy showed his students how to register at a games site. He carefully explained that the Terms Of Service should be read, parents should be aware of the registration, and all fields should be filled out properly. He then proceeded to populate the fields with the appropriate information. All went well until he attempted to work his way past the human verification code. One of his students later recalled that he had tried at least 10 times before he started to show the first signs of nervousness. Jimmy suddenly dropped an F-bomb in the captchas field and clicked the Sign Me Up Button. This was received with some laughter in the classroom, but the registration did not go through. Jimmy graduated from F-bomb variations to much more severe profanity while the classroom grew wild with applause and laughter.



Alerted by the noise, the principal decided to go take a peek and found Jimmy at the computer, typing a word we'd rather not repeat here. The principal unplugged the computer and led Jimmy out of the classroom and into his office. It is unknown how long Jimmy will be suspended for.

We were able to talk to some of the students. Bert (12) from Elderville, told us he didn't realise there were so many funny words out there. Nate (12), also from Elderville, said he learned "lots of  new words" today.

Jimmy, who had been teaching Internet Etiquette since 2008 and had a blameless record until today, was not available for comments.

Friday

The power of julblope




Dear free email provider,

I am trying to sign up for a free email and I don't seem to be able to get past your captchas. I can say the alphabet backwards without skipping a beat, though that isn't helping me here. I know that we shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, it's a free email after all, but let it be known that I can't get in your barn to even look at the horse itself, much less in its mouth. It's not just me, you know. My husband tried, the kids tried, grandma gave it a whirl, and grandpa took an educated guess. Grandpa said the first word is julblope, but grandma called him a fool. I want you to know what our family went through because of this. Below is the conversation as accurately as I recall it.

Grandpa: "I am pretty sure that first word is julblope."
Grandma: "Oh you old fool, it is not julblope."
Grandpa: "Of course it is, what else can it be?"
Grandma: "Heck if I know, but it's not julblope"
Grandpa: "If you don't know what it is, then how do you know it's not jublope?"
Grandma: "What's this, an interrogation?"
Grandpa: "Can we just drop it please."
Grandma: "I'm not dropping anything."
Grandpa: "Yeah you better not, remember when you dropped that candle and the house caught on fire?"
Grandma: "Do you have to keep bringing this up? That happened 40 years ago."
Grandpa: "I lost my favourite slippers in the fire."
Grandma: "Ask me if I'm sorry, those slippers were given to you by your mistress."
Grandpa: "She wasn't my mistress, we only kissed once."
Grandma: "What? You kissed her? I knew it! I think it's time to go visit my lawyer."
Grandpa: "Right, last time you visited your lawyer, you were gone all afternoon. What were you two doing?"
Grandma: "I only saw him for an hour. A UFO landed in the corn field while I was on my way there, and I took some time watching the aliens."
Grandpa: "You suck at making things up, UFOs don't exist."
Grandma: "Julblope doesn't exist either."
Grandpa: "It's julblope."
Grandma: "It's not."
Grandpa: "It's julblope."
Grandma: It's not."
Grandpa: "It's julblope."
Grangma: "it.s n....

Eventually, I moved to the computer in the office, but I can still hear their arguing voices in the other room. Please tell me, is it or is it not julblope?

Thank you in advance.
Julie

Thursday

Dear Internet Service Provider

Dear internet service provider,

My name is Johnny and I am writing to you with a problem I encountered on the internet. I hope you will be able to assist and solve this problem for me.
For security reasons, my IP was blocked from a website after trying 20 (twenty) times to get the captchas right during registration.
Below is a screen shot of said captchas.



Just between us, I think they made those captchas difficult on purpose because the first 200 people to register will receive a $5 sign-up bonus. I don't mind working for the $5 they offer, but please note that there is a difference between work and slavery. To top it off, after slaving away 20 (twenty) times, I have now been prevented from accessing that website. Imagine someone would promise you fresh tomatoes as long as you go to the garden a mile down the road and water the tomato plants every day. When it comes close to harvest time, a fence is put up and you can no longer access the garden. From beyond the fence, you can see the almost ripe tomatoes staring at you.
Dear ISP folks, this is how I feel right now. Those five bucks were within reach, I could almost feel them in my pocket, and now I am blocked.
You are the only ones who can take that virtual fence down for me. Please quickly give me a new IP (preferably a dynamic one in case this happens again). And while you're at it, could you please kindly identify the letters that you see in the screen shot?

Truly yours,
Johnny

Wednesday

You can do it!


You can do it!

zc6cBGG

We're sorry, that is incorrect. Let us give you a hint, there is no b in the mix.. or maybe there is, That third character could be a b, though a 6 or a g seems more likely. At least you have some choices. Don't ruin it.

zcgc3GG

You're not the brightest bulb, are you! Another attempt, another failure. At this rate, half of the internet population will be registered before you are. Try to concentrate, it's really not that difficult.

zo6cbGG

What part of there is no b didn't you understand? You blew it again. If I may kindly offer a suggestion.. don't give up your day job yet.

zobc3GG

Patience is a tree with bitter roots and sweet fruits they say. Do yourself a favour and click the "Try a new code" option. You are not making much progress here. We gave you the characters, all you need to do is type them in the box.

A cupful



Dear Windowslive,
My name is Johnny and I am sending you this email regarding an issue I experienced while registering an account with you. During the registration process, I was forced to look at a cupful minery. Don't get me wrong. I understand that you need to add those captchas to verify that I am indeed human. That is not the problem, and I am sure you have enough people bitching about this already. The problem is that I was enjoying a cup of tea at the time when this happened. I looked in my cup and suddenly lost all desire to have another sip. Mind you, the tea was still hot. It was fresh. It was delicious, until the minery appeared on my screen. I quickly clicked the "new" option to generate a new code, hoping to put this negative experience behind me as soon as possible.



Imagine you have just gone through a trauma of seeing that cupful of minery on your screen, you click new to make it automagically disappear, and there comes... moomnud surface. This wouldn't have been dramatic if it weren't for the fact that I happened to look down in my cup of tea and saw something surface. Given, it was the teabag that was still floating in the cup, but seriously my mind went spinning like a ferris wheel. Even though subconsciously I knew it was a teabag, I honestly thought it was a moomnud. Those moomnuds are dangerous, don't you know?

I am writing to beg you, please be careful with those human verification codes, because there are humans looking at them. Perfectly normal people like you and me. On behalf of those people I would like to ask you, please remove the words moomnud, cupful and minery from your collection.. Let's keep us all sane, shall we?

Truly yours,
Johnny



Tuesday

Please try again


Letters are not case-sensitive, it'll only hurt a little. We are compassionate. If you've already attempted six times to get through the captchas and you resort to using all caps, we won't punish you. Go ahead, let it out, let go of that frustration, hit CapsLock if you want.

mardisofs

Buzz... wrong, there are only eight letters, you used nine. Sorry we couldn't tell you in advance how many letters there are, it would have messed up the page layout.

mordisdts

This does not appear to be correct. At least you had the amount of letters right this time. Keep trying.

maidisds

Please use your glasses, that first part is not maid, and the second part is not isds, surely you can do better than that?

mardisds

Say what? mar, mor, mai, mar..  now may be a good time to make up your mind. Try again.

mard5af5

You are making a bad situation worse. Needless to say, that just isn't it. How hard can it be? Type the characters you see in the picture below.

mardsols

It looks like you finally made up your mind on the mar part. Unfortunately, six strikes and you're out. To make sure that you are not a bot, you'll need to fill out the entire registration form again. You yet have to prove that you're human.