Things you should not say or do when contacting a help desk

1) After submitting a ticket, do not keep refreshing your email to see if they have replied yet. A watched pot doesn't boil.

Many help desks simply don't reply. Consider a reply optional. 

Consider a reply within 24 hours an extra bonus.

Consider a reply within two hours a fluke.

On the same note, I would not suggest ending your ticket with "I am holding my breath, waiting for your reply"

2) Do not offer help desk employees your firstborn after your problem has been resolved.

Honestly, they don't need your firstborn. A simple thank you will do.

Moreover, what on earth are you going to do should they accept?

3) Do not use all caps.

The help desk staff won't be impressed. They won't be scared, either. 

They won't print out your ticket and hang it on their bedroom wall as a souvenir. Using caps on a help desk ticket is like screaming at the customer service folks at walmart. 

4) Do not get upset should you receive a reply that is completely unrelated to your question.

They too are human. Sometimes they use canned replies. 

Maybe they popped a reply from the wrong category into the reply box on accident. Just patiently tell them that you have received the wrong canned reply and repeat your question.

5) Do not start your ticket with "I have a problem"

It's redundant. Of course you have a problem, you're not contacting a help desk because you want to know what their staff had for breakfast (At least I'd hope not).

6) Do not use the F-word or its brothers or sisters.

As with the caps, nobody is going to be impressed. 

Nobody is going to start trembling and give your ticket absolute priority. 

7) Do not start a long ticket with "Dear Beloved"

Chances are the help desk staff will consider it a scam mail, close your ticket, and block your email.

8) Do not tell the story of your life on a help desk ticket. Nobody wants to read it.

Example of a good ticket:

Hi,

I lost my password, can you reset it for me?

Username: Sundance

Answer to secret question on my account: Buster

Thanks

Example of a bad ticket:

Hi,

I cleaned out my desk drawer the other day, looking for the post card I received from grandma back in 2008. I had kept the post card in my desk drawer because I had jotted my password down on it. It was a post card she sent when she was in Paris with grandpa. They went all the way up the Eiffel Tower by stairs. 

I still think she should not have worn her mini skirt that day, but to each their own. I understand about wanting to look and act like a spring chicken at age 70, but still.... 

Anyways, I did find the post card, but the problem was I had a whole bunch of passwords written on it, not just that one, and I couldn't remember which one I had used for my account with you. 

To make it worse, my dad has been using that post card for his passwords as well.

I'd have contacted you sooner, but I've been busy going through dad's browser history and trying to fit the passwords on the correct sites. It turned into a neat game. It felt a bit like Mazito, each time I solved a mystery, I got the feeling that I had accomplished something grand. 

Some of dad's passwords were no challenge, he tends to just reverse the names of the sites. 

His pass for facebook is bookface, his password for paypal is palpay. Then there is spacemy, tubeyou, etc...

So here I am sitting in this mess, trying to find my password, can you help?

Thanks